Half What I Really Am
by invigorate
Summary: Androgynous adj. being both male and female. It wasn't the fate he had chosen for himself. It was the one that had been given to him. "I don't care.", but Naruto didn't mind; he was too busy falling in love and not knowing it. NaruSasu AU .
1. Parfait Androgyne: Prologue

**Half What I Really Am**

**Chapter: **Parfait androgyne**.**

**Prologue**

**By: Sofie MB**

_If guys are dicks and ego and girls are pussies and boobs. What am I?_

He was standing in front of the mirror, the shower going, birds were singing outside, all servants doing their jobs –chatting and enjoying themselves as they cleaned and served-. He ignored the loud music that was blasting from his older brother's room, his friends being the only ones who dared to use that stereo. It was truly a beautiful day on the outside world; for everyone but him.

He was staring at the mirror in front of him completely lost; he kept staring at the part of his anatomy where his chest used to be. It was gone; almost as if it had been snatched from his body and replaced with foreign parts of an anatomy he did not appreciate at the moment and most likely never would. He did not want that, he wanted to wake up from such a nightmare; he wanted to be who he was.

He did not feel human as he let his hands trail up his waist to the nipples that now adorned him. He barely touched them, afraid. Silent tears traced down his pink pale cheeks. He did not want that. He wanted it gone; he wanted to forget what had happened. He was willing to forgive those forsaken parents of him as long as they took the abomination that his body now held and gave him his reality. But his reality was gone; all he had left was the reality humans reside in.

"Sasuke, dear, here are some clothes you can use." It was the way even his mother acted so indifferent about it, almost as if it was something normal, something that happened often, and something that was no reason to get alarmed. Could it be it was him the one mistaken? No, it could not. What had been done to him was a sin, a mistake, something cruel that had no forgiveness.

It was something that would mark his life forever and probably never leave him alone; always taunting him. Maybe, just maybe, there would come a time when he would be able to place those memories that hurt him so badly deep inside his head away from his heart leaving him to focus on other things; then again, maybe not.

He took the clothes and heard his mother leave the room. He stared at the B38 brassiere that was going to be framing his body from that moment on; he cried. He just broke down and let his life slip between his hands, just like trying to catch smoke. It was gone; it had left him behind to deal with himself alone.

_If only I could be as perfect as life __requires me to be. Then again; if I were to do so, would I still be myself?_

He walked down a busy street, walking to school. The clothes that framed his body that day were a pair of dark straight jeans and a dark blue T-shirt with a white design on it that somehow seemed to symbolize him lately and a black shirt underneath that went to just a little under his elbows, and his favorite gray converse. Everything he wore seemed to be copied by others, he seemed to somehow be the one everyone would copy, imitate, adore, and most likely detest if they discovered the truth that now lied within him.

He walked with a rhythm that seemed inhuman, he seemed to be floating around with the grace as the one of a swan, rather than walking. He seemed to move back and forth in between dancing and walking. He was merely walking with class, something that he had been forced to do when he was younger.

No matter what he did, he always seemed to do everything perfectly. But there was something about him that only observers could catch. It was the way that he could transform from being cool to having a look of utter despair in his eyes; like there was something bothering or hurting him –there most likely was more than one-.

He was a sophomore in a big High School many people tried to get in. You could get in if you had the grades, the contacts, or the money to do so. Uchiha Sasuke had all three of them and even more. He was perfect after all; at least to the eyes of those ignorant things that dare call themselves humans and even forget what they believe in for the sake of the Uchiha. He detested it. He hated the way people would give up everything for him. He wanted to fight for something; he wanted to need to do something to get a friend; he did not want to just sneeze and find someone willing to be his friend just because his sneeze was perfect.

**androgynous**

adj. being both male and female

He held the dictionary he had borrowed tightly in between his hands. He should be used to it by now. He was not a guy anymore but he was not a woman. No one had noticed yet and for that he was grateful. He wanted badly to just cut those breasts off of his body and never have to strap them down again and set them loose when he dared to step in his home. It had been over a year since the surgery, but he could not get used to them yet. He could only guess he would never be able to.

He felt nervous and unsure as people he knew and people he did not know and was not planning to get close to in any way with began filling the room for the first time of the year. What if people discovered what now lied in him? He was scared. He had gone through enough rejection already and he did not feel like he needed any more of that. He wanted to get up and walk out.

The class had already started and he had no clue of what was happening; he took a deep breath. Life was beginning and it was dragging him along the way he didn't want to go, again.


	2. Parfait Androgyne: Scene One

**Half What I Really Am**

**Chapter:**Parfait androgyne**.**

**Scene One.**

**By: Sofie MB**

Uchiha Sasuke had been raised as a gentleman, as someone that was to be perfect all the time. The moment those requirements were not fulfilled, he would get punished. There had not been a time in his life in which he had been accepted for who he was in that family of his. He had always wanted to be no one but himself; some paradox it brought. Uchiha Sasuke had always wanted to be no one but himself, yes, but he also longed to be the one his parents so badly wished for him to be: a girl.

Both of his parents had been completely thrilled when Itachi, Sasuke's older brother, first arrived to their lives. He was just flawless. He was perfection itself. They would always do everything in his favor –as bad as it could be-; they just loved him and wanted the best for him. Itachi was born with and always kept a flawless pale complexion, dark eyes that would make anyone turn against their beliefs and adore him, and a body of the gods. He was what people dared to call perfect. He was a genius too –only to give him a more incredible aspect-.

Mikoto, Sasuke's mother, was a retired model. She had been one of the most beautiful models in the whole world when she was only seventeen. She continued having a great career for three years until she met Aleksandr. He was a piece of Russian perfection himself. He had baby blue eyes and the brightest auburn hair the world could possibly own.

Mikoto herself was a queen beauty. She had the pale complexion her children held and the same midnight hair. Her eyes were a dark brown, darker than chocolate. She began her modeling career when she turned fifteen and from that moment on was always on diets.

Aleksandr was someone to follow anyone that had a lot of money or was pretty beyond beliefs. Nevertheless, Mikoto's eating habits were dragging him along. It's not always that you are with a super model that is stalked all around the globe.

He would appear on every single magazine she appeared. He would be favored, criticized, insulted, bashed; his existent and non-existent defects would be pointed out. It got to a point where he couldn't take it. The only way he could get her to leave him without him being the one that would look bad was by getting her a boyfriend. And that is exactly what he did.

Fugaku was a plastic surgeon. He had become rich after his first year as one and became quiet known all around the world. The only thing his children possess from him is their eyes.

They were perfectionists. There was not a thing they did not want to be perfect. As expected, what they desired from their children was nothing but perfection and devotion to the word perfect. Ever since a young age, Itachi was forced to take lessons that would teach him how to be gentle but strong, to look with class but be very masculine. They taught him how to walk, how to stand, how to sit, how to take care of his shape, and how to dress –not to mention that he learned from a young age about the job he would have his whole life-. They even made him take Karate lessons along with piano, guitar, violin and even the drums.

Even through all that, no one is perfect.

After a heated night, months after, they realized another piece of perfection was to arrive to the world in less than seven months. Fugaku was thrilled; he would have another perfect child to brag about. Mikoto was rather upset when she realized she would become fat, again.

Itachi was six at that time. He had no problem with that. It wasn't until he turned thirteen that he understood he should be feeling bad for his new brother. His parents were in pure bliss when they saw how beautiful and perfect their new child was. "But…" There is always one of those there.

This new kid was not exactly willing to stay put, be quiet, behave, do as he was told, and have no fun or childhood. No, this boy wanted freedom; he wanted to feel like he had some rights, like he had some control over his life. All hope was lost when he was born into that family. That did not keep him from being obedient, from learning three different languages, taking singing lessons, learning how to play the violin and mastering the bass and the guitar.

His desire for freedom was quickly suppressed with the urge to be better than his older brother and be finally considered perfect by his parents.

He managed to give them everything they asked for, but the questions and demands that were yet to be pronounced were some he could not guarantee he could survive through.

There was one time when he made a friend in seventh grade. That friend of his smoked. His parents did not approve of that, even if he was the only person who had actually made the Uchiha open up.

Things kept getting worse and worse as they found other things about their son. He unfortunately failed his first exam of Advanced Algebra. He hadn't even wanted to be in that class, he knew he was not ready, but he wanted to be better than his brother.

"You are not what we wanted. You are not what we need. We should just give you up. Besides, we wanted a fucking girl, not a disgrace."

Even after he fell in a depression, he wouldn't let his parents know about his weaknesses. He had to be strong for them so they would love him and tell him he was perfect. That was all he wanted: to be perfect for the sake of his parents.

Before high school, he had no friends. He was admired by many, but he had no time for friends. He was too busy trying to get perfect grades, look good, be adored by everyone, and succeed in everything. When Itachi grew tired of his parents, he decided to simply stop being so perfect. That was when Sasuke's parents began noticing him more. It was his chance.

In high school he was forced to have friends since his parents thought he should have good contacts to succeed in life.

It was the fact that they praised his brother so much the one that hurt him. It was the fact that they would take notice of every single mistake he made but barely paid attention to the achievements the young Uchiha had managed to get, even when he was merely twelve years old. He did not feel perfect, he felt anywhere but near perfection.

It all turned to chaos as Itachi decided he had to leave when he turned twenty-one and was reclaimed by his own father that he was old enough and that he should have his own place by that time. It broke Sasuke's heart. As much as he wanted to surpass that brother of his, he loved him and he was the only friend the raven-haired teen held close to him.

After he left, the Uchiha was constantly abused psychologically by his own parents. His mother would often give him small portions of food that couldn't be considered a meal, because he was "getting fat". His father would often tell him that he looked like a fag because of the way he would dress and the way he wore his hair. Then again, didn't Itachi wear pink sometimes and have his hair always in a ponytail that went down to just a little above his lower back? How the hell was he the fag?

_Snap_. A hand had collided with his cheek. Sasuke's eyes were full with hurt. His face conveyed nothing but confusion and sadness. That's when he understood he could still say nothing against his older brother; he was still the angel, perfection sent by God to the Earth.

Uchiha Sasuke met a guy with light hair; it was almost blue, as pale as white. His eyes were even bluer, with a soft touch of green and gray in them. He had a body many wanted –in many different way-. His name was Suigetsu, and he was openly gay.

The exact moment his eyes settled down on Hozuki Suigetsu's was when he both felt alive for the first time in years and found his life going downwards. They stared at each other for a few seconds.

"Say, Uchiha, do you think you could come over to my place today?" Suigetsu was walking by Sasuke's side. He had his arms on top of his head while the Uchiha had his in his pockets. They were walking side by side. That was probably the only way of realizing that as well-built as the Uchiha was, he still had a rather thin body and had at some point stopped growing taller.

"What for?" the Uchiha wondered. He enjoyed the guy's company. After they met for the first time, they kept stealing each other some glances, but never really talked. It wasn't until they had to stay after school –along with some others to help with some decorations for a festival- that they actually talked. They became friends so fast they didn't even realize they did.

"I dunno, what is it that you have in mind?" Suigetsu inquired, an amused smirk framing his features. Sasuke turned his head to look at his only friend. He raised a dark eye brow and couldn't help but to smirk himself, a small chuckle leaving him.

"You idiot… I'll ask my parents."

Suigetsu frowned. "How come you always have to ask your parents everything? I mean, seriously dude, you're, what, eighteen?" Sasuke glared. "I'm fourteen, you asshole. I just don't want them to worry, that's all." _Liar._

"Man, you're still so young and stupid." Suigetsu grinned. The raven playfully hit him on his arm. "Shut up, Suigetsu. You're no better."

Those were the good days, the days he could live and actually smile for a reason.

_If I were to tell you the truth, would you believe it was me?_

They fooled around like any good pair of teenagers. They were playing video games in Suigetsu's room the moment they stepped into his room. They probably played for hours; they barely actually spoke. The only thing they did was play and throw some profanities at each other now and then.

"Hey let's play a game, Uchiha." Sasuke's eyes sheepishly turned to stare at the older boy. "We played all afternoon, moron." Suigetsu smirked as he contemplated the landscape before him. The Uchiha was sitting on the middle of the bed, with his legs crossed and his elbows supporting his head and placed on his knees.

The young Uchiha wore a pair of dark blue shorts that went to a little under his knees, a darker blue short-sleeved shirt framing his slender body. Both of their shoes had been long forgotten in a corner of the room, Suigetsu happily wearing his bare feet while Sasuke wore his white socks –which he liked because they barely reached above his ankle-. In all truth, the Uchiha was a complete turn on.

"Not like that. I mean another type of game. Like… question and answer and/or dare!" He seemed so excited about it he didn't even have the opportunity to complain. He simply chuckled and muttered an 'Ok'.

"Ok, I start." Suigetsu bit his lower lip, a big smile on him. "Mmh… Have you ever kissed anyone? And if so, how many times?" Sasuke realized where it was going and found himself shifting on his seat, a blush creeping up his face.

"Those are two questions." The Uchiha complained.

"Just answer them." Hozuki smirked.

"I- I haven't."

More questions followed suit. Naturally, Suigetsu would ask some things that were not meant to be asked out loud towards the Uchiha and would chuckle as he saw the squirming raven-haired boy blush harder with each passing moment. "Do you know what an orgasm is?" He joked after he didn't know what to ask anymore without going off the limits.

Sasuke looked up from his spot, "A what?"

And just like that, Suigetsu fell in love.

He stared at Sasuke, a confused look of disbelief on his face. It turned to a soft expression and a small smile as he realized the young Uchiha really did not know. "What?" The Uchiha inquired as Suigetsu couldn't do anything but to stand up. "Would you like me to show you what that is?"

Sasuke was not stupid; he knew that the look Suigetsu was giving him would bring something either weird or bad. The step he took closer, the closer Sasuke got to the wall that was by the bed's side. "What are you doing?" Sasuke could feel something in his stomach that seemed to travel all around his body. It was a feeling of warmth but somehow it felt like those 'butterflies' he read so much about.

Suigetsu's intentions were revealed as soon as he sat on Sasuke's laps. He smirked as he saw Sasuke's trouble in breathing.

It probably had something to do with the look on Suigetsu's eyes. There was such a feeling in them; it seemed to be love, and it most likely was. It was the passion that irradiated from their auras as the older boy made his way towards the Uchiha's. It was probably the way Suigetsu watched Sasuke's eyes slid closed ever so softly it made his heart flutter. The way the top part of their lips were already touching each other but the rest remained a mere inch away from contact.

The way their lips felt like two pieces of a puzzle, they seemed to fit perfectly. A pair of pink lips connected with a pair of playful lips. The moment could not be ruined. It was such a feeling it brought that Suigetsu found himself more than satisfied with the kiss. He just couldn't do more than that; he didn't need it.

It was the moment they broke apart and found themselves staring at each others lips. The Uchiha bit his lower lip as he rose his eyes to stare at the pair that were already staring back. Suigetsu smiled. Sasuke looked surprised.

Had he known he would be feeling this good he would've kissed him long time ago. Uchiha Sasuke blushed and looked down. He wanted badly to just grin, and so he did. He let a small smile meet his lips. "You look cute when you smile." Suigetsu commented as he met Sasuke's lips once again.

If it wasn't love, it was something close to it. Was it meant to be? It didn't seem so.

_How can I be doing something wrong when it feels so fucking right? Don't lie to me, this must be something; something that makes me happy, at last._

When there is passion, you cannot make it go slower. You can't keep it from flowing.

Naturally, as openly gay as Suigetsu was, he knew that he had to respect the fact that Sasuke couldn't really go around ruining his reputation by saying he was not straight. He respected it, and he knew he didn't need to feel like he didn't want to let anyone know they were together. In fact, the Uchiha wanted so badly to brag the fact that he had a guy that everyone liked all for himself. He felt lucky.

It had been weeks, months probably. "Three months, three days and about three hours." Suigetsu breathed on the Uchiha's right ear as he nibbled it gaining a small moan from the young boy.

Suigetsu sat on top of Uchiha Sasuke, right on his laps, purposely sitting on the boy's small growing erection. "I like that song." Sasuke muttered with a smirk still on his pale complexion. "_Everyday is exactly the same._"

Suigetsu smiled, "You have a nice voice," Sasuke rolled his eyes at that comment, he had heard that so many times in the past coming from his handsome boyfriend that he didn't even blush anymore. "You should dedicate one of those songs to me one day, y'know? But I want something hot that makes me think of orgasm." Sasuke chuckled at how inappropriate he was.

"You're an idiot."

"Come on! Promise it." Suigetsu grinned. Sasuke merely smiled and nodded. He liked how his arms were gripping the older boy's upper body, sneaking around the well-toned torso and playing with the back of his white dress shirt. Suigetsu smiled, "You're on."

Did they kiss? They didn't have the chance. They were stopped by the anger of a father finding the only son he thought he had left kissing another one. It was not perfect. It was completely unacceptable, and, sadly, the only thing Suigetsu was left to do was to just hopelessly be pushed out –literally- and just place his hands on the front door, hoping it would open.

He had a look that showed dismay, he felt like crying as he heard the screaming coming from inside the house. A deep frown deformed his features as he pushed his lips into a tin line. He dropped down, his back falling gently on top of the door, his hands reaching out for his hair, trying to desperately pull it all out. He didn't want to hear, but he couldn't just leave. It was the love of his life, God damn it!

He stood up once again and banged on the door, he needed to save him!

"Sasuke!" '_Damn it!_' "Open up dammit!" He listened to the screaming that came from inside, it seemed that his mother had joined in; he highly doubted she was defending her son. "Don't touch him…" He was giving up; he knew he couldn't do anything.

"Just go," Suigetsu turned to look at the voice behind him, "You can't do anything. Leave before you make the things worse." It was Sasuke's brother, he recognized, and so he walked away. It was a look that blamed him, he knew deep inside it was his fault. So he just walked away, away from the disaster he had caused, away from his love.

_If we were to meet again, what would I say?_

_

* * *

_

So, here's the first actual chapter, you could say (:. The song they were listening to is Every Day Is Exactly The Same by Nine Inch Nails. So, I don't have classes this Monday, I'm going to try and write the next chapter real soon (:. Tomorrow I'm only going to eat and maybe movies or something, so I will probably have time to write. Have to finish Jeannete Wall's Crystal Castle for Tuesday though and I began reading it today, so ;) I'll try, love.

3,059 words. Damn it, I wanted 5,000 at least :/ oh well. I promise I'll try to keep writing the others I have. For those that are curious as for how the hell this story came to me, I had just bought a new black bra (which I adore) and was thinking about a comfort scene between Sasuke && Naru, but I felt like I had big boobs so I was like, "Wait, dammit, Sasuke has no boobs! :0", so I thought about his in like five mins. The plot's quiet not done… (: and, wait, what? lost it. damn it. bye.

Soffieeh MB.


	3. Parfait Androgyne: Scene Two

**Half What I Really Am**

**Chapter:**Parfait androgyne**.**

**Scene ****Two****.**

**By: Sofie MB**

_So close, never met before, is it possible for this to work._

_xSasukeeh has __just signed in._

"Hey, who's _that_?" Bright prying blue eyes focused themselves on the lower right corner of the lap top he wanted badly for himself. His friend was leaning back on his chair, his head turned to the right as he stared at the soccer game going on in the plasma TV he owned.

Dark brown eyes turned towards the computer screen. "Sasuke?" he asked, a tone of certain amusement filling it, "He's an ass, an ass with a lot of fangirls." Inuzuka Kiba didn't have much against the Uchiha, he just didn't like the fact that even though he was so quiet and everything he had so many girls after him, even the ones he liked.

"Oh," Naruto didn't really drop the subject. He watched the window disappear as it had fulfilled its business there. "Is he cool? I mean, besides the whole 'ass' thing." He wondered. Kiba turned once again to look at him; he looked rather annoyed by the fact he was being interrupted in the middle of the game. "He's meh." Naruto slowly nodded in understanding.

"Great my team lost and I couldn't see it 'cause you were bothering me with that guy." Kiba glared. Naruto looked away from the screen once again and rolled his eyes, "Why the fuck did you want to see your team loose?" He said as Kiba stood straight, "'Cause no one knows it's my team, so I get to bug Shino with it since it is his, and everyone knows that." He said matter of factly.

Naruto snickered, "Whatever.". He stood up and followed Kiba outside the room. "Come on, Naruto. I want to get some booze. It's not an everyday thing that my parents decide to leave for the weekend! Ain't that right Akamaru?" The teen excitedly said as he shook his dogs head, caressing the soft fur the animal had.

"Dude it's huge." Kiba turned around a smirk on his face, already snickering. He was ready lo laugh out like an idiot, "Didn't know you had it in you, Uzumaki." Naruto's eyes turned from Akamaru towards Kiba, "What do you mean?" Naruto inquired. He then recognized the look Kiba was giving him.

"Oh you pervert! I didn't mean that!" Kiba began laughing as hard as his lungs allowed him to; Akamaru following close behind, barking loudly, moving his tail excitedly. "How the hell can you misunderstand something like that?!" He was having fun as he took the pillow that sat behind him and threw it at his friend. "Are you always thinking about sex?" He practically yelled.

"Hey don't do that!" Kiba managed to say in between laughs. Naruto sat on top of Kiba who now was on top of the sofa his mother loved, trying to cover himself from the hitting. They both fell on the floor laughing like a pair of idiots.

"You idiot, get off of me!" Kiba laughed harder as his sides were poked. Naruto smirked as he stared at the squirming boy underneath him. "Not until you promise to not be such a pervert anymore."

"Ah!" Kiba squirmed even more as he began to be tickled. "Fine, Fine! I promise!" Naruto grinned and got off of the brunette as he said, "Good." Kiba got off and fixed his clothing as he began to walk towards a door. "Where are you going?" Naruto watched the other teen stretch his arms.

"I'm gonna go jack off. You can use my computer."

"Hey!" But his complaints were easily ignored as the door was closed and quickly locked. Naruto turned towards the big door he had been referring to earlier. Naruto frowned and turned to look at Akamaru, "How in hell can you live with him?" The dog merely barked and continued to shake his tail as he sat on the sofa, barely fitting anyways.

The blond looked down at his clothing and began fixing it. He walked back to Kiba's room and sat down on the red round sofa he happened to adore too. He placed his hands on top of the keyboard and used the touch pad mouse to open the MSN and go through his contacts. He noticed he was signed in as offline and decided to change it to online.

As soon as he did, several hundreds of people began talking to him. He stared at the screen, shocked, and unsure of what to do. "Uhhhhh. I'm sorry, I don't know you people." He said as he began closing windows. He didn't even bother to read the messages until he stumbled until one that had a girl with very few clothing on the display image. He barely got through half the message when he decided it was too much for him.

"Pervert." He muttered.

He went back to the task of going through his contact. Naruto rose his feet and placed one on top of the desk while the other was up to his chest and on the sofa. He always had a thing for sitting in weird positions; he just found it very comfortable.

He was going through all of the contact when he saw a window come up again, '_xSasukeeh has signed in._', again? He wondered. He stared at the small display image that appeared besides the text. "That looks like a girl." He muttered, his head being supported by his right left hand.

He clicked on the window and sat straight as he saw the conversation coming up. '_What should I say?_' He wondered as he began typing.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ]**** you know you want me says:** hi

**xSasukeeh says:** hi. What do you want?

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** nothingjust saying hi im not kiba btw

**xSasukeeh says:** who are you?

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** Naruto (:

**xSasukeeh says:** what a name.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** what the hell does that mean!?!?1

**xSasukeeh says: ** I didn't say it meant anything.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says: **mhh so how do you know kiba

**xSasukeeh says****: **is that a question?

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says: **uh yeah

**xSasukeeh says: **you should learn how to write.

**xSasukeeh says: **we go to the same school.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says: **rly? I just began going there myself I didn't see you though. Is that better?

**xSasukeeh says: **not really. Whatever. I've been going there for a year, maybe you're blond.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says: **I am.

**xSasukeeh says: **what?

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** i said I am blonde.

**xSasukeeh says: **I meant blind.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** oh and I AM the one that should learn how to write?

**xSasukeeh says: **Fuck you.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says: **mmh kiba was right youre an ass

On the other side of the conversation, Sasuke stared at the screen. Just a few hours ago, he had been wondering what people thought about him. He had a small fight with his father and had decided to refuge himself in the internet.

His hands had stopped moving, he knew the one on the other side was most likely waiting for an answer, but he didn't mind at the moment. He was too busy trying to calm down his throbbing heart. It pained him. He actually thought Kiba was somehow his friend, the type that is not close to you, but is still there.

**I have a hot ass [ Kiba ] you know you want me says:** you still there?

**xSasukeeh says: **sorry, bye.

Did he get angry? Naruto wondered as he saw a window signaling him that he had just logged off appeared. He felt guilt sting him. He decided to add him to talk to him later. He saw a black sharpie on his friend's desk and began writing on his forearm.

"xuchihasasuke," he wrote, "at live dot com." He smiled as he managed to write it all down. "Uchiha?" His voice raised an octave, "I've heard that before."

_Perfection you say? Where can I get it?_

Sasuke walked downstairs, his hair moving swiftly as he descended.

He knew he had just eaten his dinner less than half an hour ago, but an apple and a cup of tea was nowhere near enough for him to feel full. He gingerly made his way towards the refrigerator and opened. He rummaged to the many fruits and non-fat products, he finally found something half-way decent.

He held the energetic drink in his hands as he struggled to open it. He took a cookie and placed it in between his lips. He was just walking out of the kitchen, cookie still in his mouth, when he saw his mother looking at him disgusted and shocked. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

She walked towards him and snatched the cookie from his mouth. Sasuke walked backwards trying to get away from his screaming mother. "Do you have any idea of how many calories this shit has?!" She was furious.

Sasuke's arm was almost taken away from him as his mother dragged him upstairs towards her own bathroom. She just kept screaming things; the words the said hurt him so badly. He didn't know what she was going to do to him, and it scared him. "You better throw it all out now."

Her voice was so thick and so demanding. It seemed like one of a devil. "W-What?" Sasuke stared at her confused, was she asking him to purge? "You heard me, bitch!" She kept pushing him around, scratching him, and leaving marks. She kept screaming and telling him to throw it all up. She even tried putting her own fingers down her son's throat.

"Fine!" She yelled exasperated. She walked towards the bathroom door and walked out. When she returned, she had a knife with her. "You will not get out of here until you throw that shit up." She said as she locked the door, the sharp knife still close to her body.

He felt trapped, he was crying. He wondered why he had to go through all that. Was that really his fate? He wanted to get out of there, get out of there and just be free for at least once.

As he began to spasm and throw out the little amount of food he had in his body, he realized he wouldn't be able to ever live the way he wanted. He realized it was probably the way his life was supposed to be. He had been a guy, but it was taken away. He had eaten, and now he had to throw it up. Everything was meant to stay with him and make him happy, only to leave him in some point and make him unhappy.

There had been Suigetsu, but he left too.

He threw up until he could only see water coming out of him. His mother bent down by his side. She took the crying face of his son and placed it on her chest. Sasuke had his hands gripping the sides of the toilet, sitting on his knees. His mother embraced his head. "Good, now you will be perfect. I'm so happy you did it." She smiled.

"I'm sorry baby, but the only way for you to learn is by punishing you." She said as she pulled away. Sasuke looked up at her, scared, unsure of what was coming next. Why did she still have the knife with her? Sasuke quickly glanced at the knife and then looked back at her. Mikoto did not miss that.

"Give me your wrists, baby."

_Pain is just a state of mind. It does not exist. That__'s what I keep telling myself; if only it would work._

Sasuke's hair was wet, and it was a mess. Nevertheless, it still managed to frame his face perfectly.

He was walking away from his locker, after getting the books he needed and walking to class. It was a rainy day, he thanked God, so he wore a dark hoodie on top of his black shirt. He wore a pair of dark jeans with a tight studded belt going around his slender hips. A white shirt could be seen sticking out on the lower part of the hoodie. He was thankful it was cold, that way he could cover himself perfectly.

A pair of blue eyes stared at the walking teen. They couldn't help but to notice how troubled he looked. He had realized he did know him, at least, he had seen him before. He had thought before that he looked sad and quiet lonely, but never like that. He hadn't even stopped to give a gentle smile to the girls that followed him. Instead, he pushed them away and kept walking.

Naruto was rather worried.

Sasuke sat down as he arrived to the class he disliked the most: Literature. He personally loved writing, he did it quite often himself. It was the environment he didn't like, besides, he hated showing what he wrote. Yes, he always wrote, but it was only to express himself. It was personal.

He disliked the teacher too.

"Well good morning." The teacher said as he finally arrived. He had a thing for arriving late. No one really cared though, they pretty much appreciated it. "Guess what?" He asked, a tone of excitement filling his voice. Sasuke looked up half-way curious. Kakashi smiled.

"I have a project for you guys." Many groaned. Kakashi smirked, "Oh don't worry it's not that bad. I'm sure you'll like it." He stood up and walked towards the front of the class room. "I'm sure you guys love expressing yourselves, after all, you are always complaining about not being able to express yourselves as you please." Sasuke could feel something he didn't like coming. "What you will have to do is…" He stopped to stretch out. "You will all do something artistic to express yourselves." Complains about how that had nothing to do with literature began, "But, since this is a literature class, if it is a drawing, you will have to write a story about it.

"You will have to express your emotions since your last birthday and up until a week before this is due. You will have to write a story where you convey your feelings. You can make a drawing or something and then write a short story, or you can also just explain every single feeling that is in the drawing and what it means for you. Yes?" A pale hand lowered as her turn for speaking arrived.

"Can it be music? Like singing or playing an instrument?" Sasuke thought about it, if that was allowed he could just play something. He thought about what the project was about. Kakashi thought about it for a second, "Sure, but it has to be composed by you."

The true fact about that was that if they could compose a piece they would most likely be able to actually play. He didn't want to hear those that barely knew how to play. '_That would be painful._'

"Now, start your project. This is due by September the 27th"

"It's going to be half of your grade, by the way." He added the last part as his smirk grew larger. Even Sasuke groaned this time.

_How can you help? If you are not even sure of my name?_

"Dad, I'm home!" Naruto stated as he stepped into the flat he lived in, dropping his school bag in the middle of the hallway. He walked deeper inside until he arrived to the living room, where he found his father sitting on the floor, right in front of the big window that let the sun come in, with a colored canvas sitting in between his opened legs.

"Ah! Naruto," He smiled, "Didn't hear you. How was school?" The blonde man said. Naruto smiled and sat down by his side, he let his fingers travel around the many different colors that sat on the floor as he answered, "Good, how about you?" His father smiled.

"Hi mom," Naruto smiled at the picture as he stepped into his room. He took it in his hands and placed his pink lips on the printed face, "As beautiful as ever." He smiled once again, placing the picture down. Blue eyes glanced at the old computer that lay on top of the desk. He wondered if the younger boy had accepted him. He remembered struggling the other night to remember the e-mail address –it had pretty much washed out of his arm with all the rolling and playful fighting he and Kiba went through that night-.

'_It's been three days and he hasn't accepted me yet, _' The blonde thought as he sat down and turned the screen on. His mind kept replaying the image of that dark-haired boy walking, lonely. There was something about him that called Naruto. Even if he had always been one to be helping everyone, there was something special about him.

He was currently sitting with his legs crossed on top of the chair, a book in between his legs, pencil in hand. He heard the soft sound that would make his whole night much more interesting and turned towards the computer screen. '_xSasukeeh has just signed in._'

Blue eyes widened in shock, he swiftly threw the book on the floor and dropped his pencil as he adjusted his position and began typing.

**n a r u t t o says: **hi

**xSasukeeh says: **what do you want?

**n a r u t t o says: **its me kibba's friend

**xSasukeeh says: **the one that can't write?

**n a r u t t o says: **yeah thats me bastard

**xSasukeeh says: **fuck you.

**n a r u t t o says: **i was just kidding man. hey i think i saw you today. why were you looking so sad?

**xSasukeeh says****: **that's none of your business.

**n a r u t t o says: **heh i figured as much, if you want to you can call me whenever you need let me give you my cellphone.

Naruto wrote down the numbers and clicked on enter. He wondered why he was just giving him his cell phone. He truly was a complete stranger. In all truth, he felt like he just had to help him. The blond could tell that the raven was having some troubles with something, or someone.

**xSasukeeh says****: **whatever. i'm going to eat dinner, bye.

**n a r u t t o says: **bye, enjoy dinner (:

Sasuke sat in front of his mother, he could feel her eyes penetrating his skull. He was only staring at the food that had been placed on his plate, "You didn't eat any shit today, did you, baby?" Mikoto's eyes were unnerving, she couldn't possibly be right in the head, there was something off about her, –besides the obsessions and the eating disorders-.

The young Uchiha boy looked up from the green apple and celery that sat on top of the white china. His eyes were posed on his mother's, he looked down, realizing he –once again- could not win, "No, mother." She smiled.

"Good, one day you will be pretty."

In front of the mirror, Sasuke could only frown as he saw how bony he was beginning to look, the thing was, he knew that if any one discovered that, they would blame him and say he was the one with the disorder, not his mother. If anyone saw the scars... Oh God, the scars.

He removed his shirt and stared intently at the dried blood. He couldn't live like that. He had to admit though, when the blade cut his flesh, there was such a feeling that went all through out his body; it made him feel alive. He let tears fall freely as he heard his stomach make noises. It was calling for food, just like Sasuke was calling for help.

He knew there was barely anything he could do, he was just fifteen!

Raven locks moved around as Sasuke continued sobbing. He held his knees up to his chest and hid his face between them; his back placed against the cold bathroom wall. He placed his head on top of his knees and looked to the side. A certain object caught his attention; it was his phone that was on the floor, on top of his shirt and sweater. He crawled towards it and held it in between his fingers.

'_Hi._

_-Sasuke'_

The message left his phone and placed itself on the one of the blond. It was an emergency call. He needed a friend, he needed a friend before he began having more thoughts about how good the blood falling felt, how good it felt to be punished for not being perfect. He needed someone, now.

* * *

Here's the next chapter (: Listening to: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. Good Song. Well I hope you people actually like this. Say, I noticed that this one has over 400 hits or views, I don't remember, the thing is, how come it has so many people reading it and, yet, no one bothers to review? (: you people, it would be appreciated if you lovers did something like leaving a review or something.

I didn't have school today, so I managed to finish this today, I most likely will have next chapter for next week tops. Maybe sooner. Sorry I'm so slow.

Love, Soffieeh.


	4. Lächeln, Grinsen & Schrei: Scene One

**H****alf What I Really Am**

**Chapter: **Lächeln, Grinsen & Schrei.

**S****cene One.**

**By: Sofie MB**

_Unspoken words will always be stronger than those pronounced._

Uchiha Itachi was a man of few words, dominant, strong, intelligent, proper, and sometimes an ass –not to mention a genius-, but that did not keep him from not realizing the dark truth that lay in the place he used to call home. It was probably the moment he moved on his own that everything took a wild change; it was probably that one time when he began worrying over his brother for the first time in years.

Uchiha Itachi noticed things, but he tended not to do anything about them. He was indeed a genius, but he was an idiot when it came to dealing with other people's feelings. He had no idea of how to confront or comfort his younger brother, even though he knew something was going on. He could tell that something had happened to his sweet brother and that their parents had been the attackers.

But he did nothing, he acted indifferent, for he did not know how to act when he actually realized what had happened. He was too scared. Scared he would screw up more than he had already. The young Uchiha brothers used to spend every single free moment together. That was until life began separating them, pulling them away from each other.

"You know where your room is." Uchiha Itachi told his younger brother as they walked inside his penthouse. It was enormous, plainly enormous. The first floor had about 300 square meters while the second floor was about 250. It had about four rooms and a master bedroom –where Itachi slept-, a big black kitchen and about five bathrooms.

As much as Itachi detested to accept it; he was worried, incredibly worried about his younger brother. Uchiha Sasuke was aware of the fact that Itachi was planning something, something that would most likely involve him telling him what had been going on in his house. But Sasuke was still afraid. Afraid something would go wrong; even worse then how it was already.

As usual, the younger Uchiha merely walked towards the room he slept in when he visited and stayed there all afternoon, until it was time to have dinner with his brother. They sat down in silence, almost as if they were both trying to look for the perfect moment to say whatever it was they had to say –something they couldn't find-.

They shared some random chit chat that seemed to take them nowhere; at least it was like that for Itachi. Whenever Itachi tried to start a subject that was at least somewhere close to his life at home and what their parents had done to him, Sasuke would change the subject. It got to a point where it was bothering Itachi so much he felt like snapping. He was indeed tired of receiving a "I'm ok" as an answer whenever he wanted to know what was wrong.

One thing led to another and soon they found themselves arguing. Even though the small fight was kept in a civilized volume, their words were sharp and angry at some times. Sasuke kept looking at his plate full of food, just moving the food around with his fork. Maybe it was his younger brother's indifferent way of arguing about such an important matter that ticked him off so much.

"Sasuke-" Itachi stood up and snapped, Sasuke jumped slightly and finally looked up. "Do you think I am blind? Fuck!" Itachi said through his gritted teeth as his hands were gripping the table's sides. Sasuke gulped and licked his dry lips. "What do you mean?" Sasuke managed to muster.

Anger flew all around Itachi, he could feel it rising with each passing moment. "Do you think I haven't noticed the fact that you are way thinner than since I last saw you; the fact that you barely talk anymore and that you look paler and have dark bags under your eyes?" Sasuke was trying to formulate an excuse while Itachi felt like throwing everything he could grab, to just break something. He felt like the only thing that he could do was to scream at his little brother and knock some sense into him.

"You're going crazy." Sasuke muttered as he stood up, he walked towards the door, surprised by the fact that his brother did nothing to stop him. He grabbed the doorknob and tried to turn it, only to find out that it was locked.

Itachi sighed as he tried to calm down and licked his dry lips. "What is it then? Are you on drugs? Anorexic? What is it that you are doing to hurt yourself? And why are you depressed? Did someone break up with you? Is it because I left?" Sasuke had not moved and he could feel tears building up; he wanted to tell him, but he couldn't; not yet. Itachi walked up to him and hugged him from behind.

His hug began with a mere placing of his hand on top of Sasuke's shoulder; the touch made Sasuke shiver; he was shocked. He could feel his heart beating faster, so fast he could barely breathe, so fast he could feel the tears falling. He tried to act composed but he found himself unable to. He placed his own hands on top of his older brother's arms and held hard onto them.

There were sobs sounded all through out the place. The older brother held his younger brother tightly, trying to comfort him. It began to be awkward for him the moment he couldn't feel his legs anymore. Itachi turned Sasuke around and caressed his left cheek in a loving way. Sasuke did not look up, his eyes still closed tightly. Uchiha Itachi took the smaller boy in his arms and carried him, like a bride was carried, towards his own bedroom.

They lied on Itachi's bed for hours, holding each other tight, before the bell rang. It was around eight already. Itachi growled and frowned; he had wanted to talk with Sasuke after he had calmed down. He never did though. As soon as he heard the bell he wiped his tears away and almost ran towards his bedroom and into his bathroom.

Itachi fixed his hair swiftly and walked towards the door, cursing whoever was ringing the bell. He opened the door and stared confused at the people outside. He sighed; he had indeed completely forgotten about the fact that he had invited people over.

"'Sup Itachi? Un." And just like that, his whole opportunity of figuring out what was happening to Sasuke vanished.

_I'__m not gonna live forever._

Uzumaki Naruto was messing around with his old electric guitar; he listened intently to every single sound it produced. You could tell it was something that made him happy. In all reality, Naruto had been raised between arts; sketches, instruments, paints, ceramic, and even dancing. Even though he had been born in the United States & had lived there his whole life until recently, the Japanese side of his father had influenced him a lot.

Minato's mother had been half Chinese and half Japanese, while his father was almost completely German. The young blonde found himself always filling his old black iPod with Korean, Japanese, Chinese, American, and sometimes German songs. He just really liked to explore his roots.

If you saw him walking around, you would say he was American and be completely sure about it. The only thing that could possibly make you consider him being Asian was the shape of his eyes.

"_À cause des garçons__  
__On met des bas nylon__  
__On se crêpe le chignon__  
__À cause des garçons__  
__Et du qu'en dira-t-on__  
__On flirt sur tous les tons__  
__À cause des garçons__  
__On salue pour de bon__  
__À cause des garcons_"

His voice died out and any sound emitted from his earphones disappeared as he placed his eye on the younger boy. He looked intently at the screen in front of him, his hand scrolling down, allowing him to see even more of the boy in the screen.

God he was gorgeous.

In the screen before him, Uchiha Sasuke's MySpace profile stood. It was white with black and gray, rather simple, he had to admit. It still seemed to define him perfectly, to capture his essence completely. It was so simple, yet so mysterious. He kept scrolling down as he read his 'About Me' section.

'_If only people would stop saying the know me. You don't know me, and you won't know me, ever. If you want to be my friend… don't even try. My name's none of your business. I am 16 years old. I like black and quiet places. Call me what you want, I don't care. It is obvious I am a guy.'_

Naruto paused at the last sentence, "It's not always so obvious." He muttered as he remembered when he first thought he was a girl. _'I don't have problems, I don't care if you insist I do._

'_No name._

_16 years old._

_Half Japanese._

_Not available._

_My sexuality is none of your business._

_Not Emo._

_Hate labels.'_

Naruto looked all around the profile. He went through his music playlist and found himself in love with it.

_Madworld (remix) __– Dj Tiesto _

_How Does It Feel – Cinema Bizarre_

_Silent Scream – Cinema Bizarre_

_Rainisim – Rain_

_Here Without You – 3 Doors Down_

_By The Way – Hinder_

_Breath __– Breaking Benjamin_

_Polyamorous __– Breaking Benjamin_

He stopped when he realized the playlist has 459 songs in it. Naruto was rather confused as for why the songs the Uchiha liked were all rather sad. I mean, sure, the boy was obviously sad and probably depressed, but that didn't mean he would listen to sad songs all the time –like the rest of the playlist suggested-.

The Uzumaki boy scrolled up until he met the feminine, pale face of the boy. The photo was taken from above him, which cause that his pale neck was visible, along with his dark blue Abercrombie & Fitch shirt. He was so thin. He could tell that the photo had to be recent. As he clicked on the other photos, he could tell the change his body went through from what seemed a year ago up until recent. He couldn't tell what it was, but he could tell there was something weird there.

He had lost weight –that much he could tell-, but there was something else, something rather disturbing; he just couldn't place it, and it bothered him. Naruto had to admit; he was attracted to the boy. Then again, who wouldn't?

He knew the boy was hiding himself. In every single one of his pictures, he looked either apathetic or sad. There was no one smile. That is, until he found more pictures of him, in the tagged photos. Naruto smiled brightly, there was this one picture of him, smiling. It looked really old. He looked around twelve or thirteen. Naruto couldn't help but to blush as he stared at a photo of the young Uchiha –another old one- with nothing but what seemed his swimming suit. He was grinning.

Naruto's heart seemed to skip a beat.

_Pictures make no sense to me._

He wanted to scream, so badly, he wanted to rip his hair out. Instead, he ran to the kitchen and looked loudly and wildly for a knife, a wicked smile of relief appeared on him as he took it in his slender fingers. He sat down on the floor, his back against the counter. The sharp edge of the knife was pressed ever so gently and slowly on his left wrist. He placed some pressure into it as if it was bringing pleasure; and it was.

He felt somewhere near an orgasm as his mouth was wide open and his eyes staring intently at the blood that was coming out of his mouth. He moaned once, maybe twice. He stopped, as badly as he wanted to keep going.

He wiped the tears that had long dried off. He wanted to cry again, so badly. He was hungry –that was what was troubling him-. He was starving and he fell like fainting already, but he couldn't eat, no, he couldn't. As badly as he wanted to, he knew his weight would increase because it would most likely bounce, as he so nicely placed it. He couldn't increase one bit, if he did, his mother would know.

'_But I'm hungry,_' He silently cried as he sat on the floor by his bed's side, gripping his covers as tightly as he could. He was hungry. Hungry. Fuck it. He was starving.

_There__'s always someone who knows what to do._

In between sobbing and tears, a soft ring was heard throughout the empty house. Sasuke looked up, confused. He wiped his tears away and walked downstairs for his phone, with absolutely no rush –he didn't want to answer anyways-. When he finally got there he stared shocked at the screen.

_ナルト__'__Naruto'_

He slid the phone open as calmly as he could.

"Hello?"

_It is he, the one that un__derstands. It is he, the one that I cannot reach._

They sat in silence, one in each side of the small table. The raven kept his hands around the coffee that had long cooled; the blond merely looked outside the window. Someone in the position the latter one found himself in would most definitively ask, but he didn't.

Someone in that situation wouldn't just look at you, smile at your sadness and just sit there with you, not murmuring a thought, not even looking at you. Those blue orbs seemed to take in perfectly the situation, they seemed to understand everything the moment they placed themselves on the younger boy. They knew it all. Then again, he was clueless.

Naruto's eyes portrayed nothing but what you needed. Whenever you felt like you just couldn't anymore, they would stare at you, smile, and fill you with a feeling you never thought you could have. They conveyed happiness with every glance they spared for you. They seemed to give you life the moment they placed themselves on your own; Sasuke did not miss that.

The moment those dark gray eyes that resembled ashes placed themselves on those blue eyes that seemed to be the ocean itself –ever so understanding, calm but demanding- Sasuke realized he could trust him. But he was not an easy pray. No, no, Uchiha Sasuke was not someone that trusted people easily. But the blonde had offered his friendship, in a way, had he not?

So they both sat there, the smell of coffee all around them, the small talks around them unheard by both of them. Blue eyes settled down on midnight hair. He smiled, even though he knew the younger boy could not see him, at least not with his hair covering half his face and his eyes fixated on the table.

The Uzumaki grinning boy stood up, obtaining a confused look from the Uchiha, and placed his backpack on his shoulder, "Come on," he motioned as he began walking outside, Sasuke following right behind. The young Uchiha could feel his heart race as he realized the blond wouldn't leave him with the comforting silence; he would actually ask something.

And they just walked; they probably walked for more than half an hour. Sasuke's legs were burning; exhaustion almost caught up with him. He was so hungry, so fucking hungry. His vision was getting blurry. They were walking up a hill, almost reaching the top. But the Uchiha didn't get that far. Naruto held onto him tightly as the young Uchiha managed to reopen his eyes.

He blinked rapidly, looking around confused. "W-what happened?". Naruto smiled, but the type of smile that doesn't agree with the situation. "You fainted," he said rather coldly. Naruto took him in his arms and then stood up. The Uchiha struggled and cursed the blonde as he squirmed in his arms.

"Come on we're going to my house. We'll talk there."

_Perfection doesn__'t exist, right? Is he unreal then?_

"Make yourself comfortable." Naruto said, as he let go of the pale hand. The young Uchiha had managed to get off of Naruto and start walking by himself somewhere between the end of the hill and the blonde's house. Naruto didn't trust him enough to just let him walk by himself, so he gently held his hands the whole trip.

Sasuke took in his surroundings. It was a kind of small apartment. Not a lot of furniture, just a couch, and a lot of paper and paints all over the floor. It seemed like that was its place, since all of it was rather arranged right in front of a big crystal clear door that led to a small balcony. There were three doors, he guessed one led to his room and another one to the bathroom, he looked down as he realized the other one was probably of his parents.

Naruto came back with a two cans of soda in his hands, he handed one of them to Sasuke. Naruto knew the Uchiha would just stare at it and do nothing about it, not drink it, not even smell it, he would probably just place it somewhere else or say no thank you. And so he did.

"Drink it, you idiot. Or do you want to faint again?" Sasuke bit his lower lip as he sat down by the blonde's side. "So… Tell me something about yourself." He smiled.

Sasuke shifted uncomfortably, he didn't want to talk about anything.

"I understand, well then, let's play a game." Sasuke's heart fluttered as he heard those words. He looked up and met deep blue eyes. It was something so familiar, the sensation he felt. He indeed felt an urge to throw himself into the blonde's arms. He abstained.

Naruto smiled wider as he saw the Uchiha blush. "W-What type of game?" Naruto grinned as he crossed his legs and sat in front of him. "The type in which I like ask you something and you answer, y'know? And then you like ask me something, and so on." Sasuke indeed doubted it for a second, but decided to go for it.

Normal questions came; Naruto didn't want to ask anything that would trouble the boy. As expected, the young Uchiha hadn't touched his soda. Naruto's expression softened as he looked rather sadly at the full can. The Uchiha was currently talking, answering the question just made.

"-I think it's cool though." Naruto jerked awake from his sadness; he smiled. "So, I saw your MySpace profile a few days ago; real friendly." He smirked as he lounged on the sofa. Sasuke looked away a small smirk gracing his features. "Shut up." He smiled.

Naruto bit his lower lip as he smiled, he wanted to ask so much, but he wasn't capable. "You know? You look very cute when you smile. You should do it more often." The soft smile had long disappeared. Naruto was frowning, he meant it.

Sasuke looked away, refusing to accept it.

"You know? You should really eat something."

_And why is it that everything you say seems like nothing but the truth?_

"Hey man, you ok?" The blonde god looked up and met the worried look his friend held. Naruto smiled, "Sorry, I was just… thinking." Kiba rolled his eyes and smirked, he sat down by his friend's side and began taking off his sandwich's wrapping.

"About the Uchiha? Again?" Kiba teased. Naruto smiled at him and rolled his eyes. He decided that ignoring that would be best, so he plainly gave out a short laugh and began eating. A few minutes later, more people joined them. In between jokes and talking he soon forgot about the Uchiha.

His eyes widened as they found themselves sitting upon a young raven-headed boy entering the cafeteria. His heart fluttered, something like a lump formed in his throat, he couldn't breathe and his face held nothing but confusion.

The boy that walked into the room was paler and thinner than usual. He looked so thin, so fragile. He looked lost.

"Dude… what's up with the Uchiha?" Kiba asked quietly, but it was loud enough for everyone in the table to hear. But Naruto didn't answer, he was dying, he just couldn't take in the sight, and he couldn't take in the fact that he knew Sasuke was going to sit by himself, completely alone and withdrawn from the rest of the people.

He couldn't take it.

"Hey! Sasuke, come sit here!" He was doing it so desperately, he wanted so badly for him to hurry up and just sit with him, so he could protect him, take all bad away from him.

People looked at the two of them, confused. Sasuke hesitated, as it was to be expected, but in the end was persuaded by Naruto's soft smile. He sat by Naruto's side, looking down. People around began to go back to what they were doing. The people in the table seemed to be a little stiff. Sasuke looked uncomfortable too.

Naruto tried to make small talk so the environment would soften. It really seemed to help. Naruto noticed how everyone made a small pause every now and then to take a bite to whatever they were eating. He half gasped as he remembered. He rummaged into his backpack –which he held closely with him- and, after earning a few curious glances –including Sasuke's-, he pulled out a small muffin. He smiled as he placed it in front of Sasuke.

Sasuke looked shocked and confused, "What?" He looked dumbfounded. Naruto rolled his eyes as he took Sasuke's hands and literally placed the muffin in them. Sasuke looked at it, still confused. Naruto plainly smiled. "It's banana flavored. Hope you like it."

Sasuke frowned; he couldn't, he shouldn't. It wasn't right. "I- thanks, but… no thanks." The raven was about to stand up and walk away, but he was stopped by Naruto. A sun-kissed strong hand wouldn't allow him to go. Naruto pulled Sasuke back down, and made him sit. He leaned down and whispered in his ear, "If you don't eat something I'll tell everyone that you're starving, starting with a doctor or something of that sort." He sounded so strong, so firm to his word.

To anyone that was watching from afar, it would seem like a friend saying something normal to his friend; more like a simple comment or even a joke –as Naruto's smile suggested-.

Sasuke took the muffin and placed it close to his mouth. He wanted to eat it so badly, but he shouldn't he just shouldn't. He couldn't, shouldn't, and wouldn't.

"I can't." And just like that he walked away, unable to be reached by Naruto, who had couldn't get through all of the people rushing back to classes. And so Naruto just stood there, angry with himself and worried for the young boy. But no one really noticed anything, only Kiba, who was staring at his blonde friend worriedly.

_If only you could see what __I see, so painful it is._

_& I really wish,_

_Y__ou could all see._

_& I really hope_

_I__ will make it home._

_B__y: Uchiha Sasuke._

_Maybe, just maybe, it was meant to be, meant to be this way, you know? There are so many things I wish would just disappear, but I know they won't. They're here to stay, here to never leave. I wonder if this will ever end. Then again, I have to wonder if this is plainly how it is. Maybe I'm the one that's wrong; maybe it is me that needs to stop._

He kept turning pages, trying to take in as much as he could. The writings seemed to go from short stories to small songs; from euphoric to suicidal. He couldn't help but notice how at the beginning the feelings conveyed were so natural, neutral, happy, and sometimes sad; never suicidal. But in the most recent ones, he talked about blood, hate, suicide, death, depression.

_& maybe __I should just end my life. _

_I wonder if that would be alright._

_Then again, when I open my eyes,_

_I__ can't help but to realize;_

_T__his is my life to live,_

_N__ot theirs to keep._

_By: Uchiha Sasuke._

Itachi frowned, he could understand by that poem –which was dated about two months before- that his younger brother did not want to die, but he did. It confused him. If it wasn't he who was hurting himself, then, who was it? But as he reached the end, he realized that darkness had taken his brother and embraced him happily. It was obvious that he now practiced self-mutilation himself.

For the first time in years, Uchiha Itachi was scared and felt like a complete and utter idiot.

_Direction_

_Which is the right direction?_

_Is it here or is it there?_

_Could it be it is nowhere?_

_I can only wonder if this is the right place,_

_F__or I can only see a face._

_C__ould it be I have made a mistake?_

_L__ong ago in winter, long gone in a snowflake._

_The direction you pointed me towards,_

_I__t is not the same I give my regards._

_P__erhaps if you look my direction,_

_I__ may find a translation._

_B__y:uchiha._

_P__lease don't leave me hanging. I want only to try it once. You know what? Fuck this all, I just want to let go._

Was there anything he could do, anyways? He wanted to help his brother, oh boy, did he love his brother? He was his life, and it killed him to know there was something wrong with him. Itachi sighed as he placed everything exactly the way it was. He stood up and took a deep breath. He closed his eyes for a second as he tried to calm down. The bell rang as he was walking out of his brother's bedroom.

He frowned and walked downstairs.

In doorstep, was waiting a handsome young man. His eyes were a deep blue that indeed make the older Uchiha's heart jump; his hair was the color of the sun. It took a while for the Uchiha to understand the situation. "May I help you?"

The blond man stared at Itachi confused, "Sasuke?" Itachi raised an eyebrow; he crossed his arms as he leaned on the door frame. "I believe he's my brother." Naruto smiled with a confused look on his face. He looked around and stretched.

"Didn't know he had one, say is the little Uchiha here?"

"Who exactly are you?" The raven asked not trusting the boy. Naruto smiled, such a reassuring smile –Itachi had to admit-. The blond brushed away a rebel strand of blonde hair and licked his dried lips, "I'm his friend and," he stopped and smiled wider, "you could say I'm his caretaker."

**A****;sdifha;sdkfjasdo;ifjas;dfkaosdgihasokmasodivjasickmasp;dfjap[dkapodckpsodfkposksdasd**

Sorry this took so long, I promise to update this soon. (:

Sasuke's writings are something I just wrote, forgive me if they suck x). Naruto was singing,_**À cause des garçons**__** by Yelle**_. Expect an update soon.

For those that don't understand, the story is divided by scenes –which consist of either two or three chapters each-. Just trying to use fancy names, haha. Anyways, the title here says: S_mile, Grin & Scream._ Yeah, it is German. Nup, I do not speak it (:.

Love, please review,

Soffieeh.

Oh, and I would really like to dedicate this to Denize & DracoLovers of Tommorrow , Kreg, ladygizarme , CryingCrimsonEyes , NFoRtuNAtE MIsTaKe , anililies , Miira. I answer to reviews personally, I really dislike it when authors answer them here. :X. CryingCrimsonEyes gave me a long, long review after, thank you so much, it was inspiring. Ladygizarme, thank you too.


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